Calvin from the legendary comic strip, “Calvin and Hobbes,” said, “New Year’s resolution? Me? Just what are you implying? That I need to change? Well as far as I am concerned I am perfect the way I am!”
Another comic strip, “Angus and Phil,” had two dogs sitting in the snow when the larger dog asks the smaller dog, “What exactly is a New Year’s resolution?”
To which the smaller dog replies, “It is a to-do list for the first week of January.”
While I am not nearly as self-confident as our friend Calvin, the evidence bears out that the little dog is right. Some 88 percent of all New Year’s resolutions end in failure, most by the end of January. Failing to meet your optimistic New Year’s resolutions has become such a common occurrence that some offices have started office pools to wager on how long resolutions will last, much like a March Madness basketball bracket.
So why is that? Why do we have a 12 percent success rate on goal-setting at the beginning of the year? A country that began with the defiant spirit to not allow an oppressive government to dictate to us the rules by which we live, the same country with the industrious spirit to pull itself up by its bootstraps and become a military and economic super power, can somehow not manage to lose a few pounds over the course of a year?
Well, this year I have decided to help. I am offering 10 easy-to-accomplish New Year’s resolutions, so feel free to select one, or several for that matter, and one year from today feel free to send me a “thank you” note for helping you successfully accomplish your New Year’s resolutions for the first time.
1. Avoid the trap of the most popular resolution every year of “lose weight” and instead make this resolution: Buy bigger clothes.
2. Stop procrastinating ... but start this one sometime in July.
3. Enjoy the sweeter side of life ... I suggest M&Ms or Twix, two of my favorites.
4. Watch more television ... this way you can stay up with all the talk at the water cooler.
5. Read more ... as I noted above, I am a big fan of “Calvin and Hobbes” on the funny pages.
6. Improve your memory ... I can’t recall what witty comment I was going to write here.
7. Be more decisive ... select one of these resolutions, or two ... or whatever.
8. Be more comfortable with yourself ... go ahead and wear the pajama bottoms to Walmart.
9. Finish what you start.
So good luck! Make this year different. Make a resolution you feel confident you’ll accomplish. Make 2014 the year!
As far as me, I am making a resolution to get these columns in BEFORE my deadline ... when was that deadline again?
(Editor’s Note: Matt has a beautiful family of 13 with his beautiful wife, Heather; three children, Tucker the family dog and seven chickens that have resolved NOT to become dinner in 2014 ... might be hard to fulfill that one. They all wish you a Happy New Year, except for the chickens ... because they are chickens. “Father Time” appears in the Cleveland Daily Banner in alternating Wednesday editions.)