My wife, on the other hand, could have been a gourmet chef. Often she would fix elaborate meals only to hear our children whining in disappointment. “What’s the green stuff?” “This chicken has funny looking speckles on it.” “Are we really supposed to eat this?” “Why can’t we just have regular food?”
Frustrating for her. Funny to me. I became convinced that the simpler the food, the less the effort, the greater the compliments and more popular the dad.
In the classroom I do a little better. There, mixing recipes for life seems to be more my forté. Take, for example, my sure-fire recipe for depression.
Ingredients: 1 tbsp. futility, 1 tbsp. complaining, 1 tbsp. worthlessness, 2 tbsp. hostility, 1 1/2 tbsp. indecision, 1 large lemon, 1 tsp. sadness, 1 tsp. gloom, 3 ounces self-pity, 1 tsp. irritability, dash moping and pretend.
Create an ample portion of belittlement by mixing futility, complaining, worthlessness, hostility and indecision. Set aside.
Peel a generous portion of dissatisfaction from a sour lemon. The amount used depends on personal taste. A light amount of dissatisfaction usually is preferable as this produces a rather sour taste which some connoisseurs of depression especially enjoy. Caution: too much dissatisfaction produces a rather repugnant smell that is likely to drive away potential guests from your kitchen.
Mix 1 tsp. gloom, 1 tsp. sadness, 3 ounces self-pity, 1 tsp. irritability. Adding a dash of moping tends to accentuate unhappiness’s flavor assuring that others will notice.
Mix belittlement thoroughly with all the other ingredients. Belittlement will assure a consistent taste of worthlessness.
Bake at the highest capacity your oven can heat. This very hot and very uncomfortable environment produces the finest depression possible.
Carefully remove from your oven and decorate with as much pretend as possible. (Pretend can easily be purchased from most stores. Look for products that encourage you to be anything and everything you are not.)
A daily diet of depression is recommended. By feasting upon depression, you can be certain that no matter how good life might be on any given day, you will have enough depression in your system to never notice.
Follow these instructions carefully and you are certain to stay depressed and experience all the accompanying side effects — poor diet, poor sleeping patterns, chronic sickness and so forth — a steady diet of depression commonly produces.